I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize