my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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