my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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