DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I can't turn off my feet"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
