im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
