I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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