Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Vodka?
Forever.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
