i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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