The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
