The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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