Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
