its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
