now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
