my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
