My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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