I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
