Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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