even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize