Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
