dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
