The maid of honor just puked.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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