Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
