i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
