Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
