....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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