I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
