Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
