mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
