Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
