I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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