I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
