Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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