she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Ladies don't puke and tell
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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