I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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