I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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