I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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