I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
