If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
