her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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