nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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