So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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