who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
