is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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