Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My liver just broke up with me...
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
