Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
