It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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