what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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