I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
