she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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