he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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