ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
