Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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