I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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