There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
