My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
