I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
