You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
