dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Pants are for mortals
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
