god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
