I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
