I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Randomize
