I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
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